A Widow's Leap Into Love Part 2

Hey friend, now that Valentine's Day is over, I can share my next relationship with you, and I didn't want it to feel like it was man bashing on Valentine's Day and even saying that now it's not my intent, but this next story, but it is my perception of the relationship. Two years ago, I was in my I want nothing like my husband's stage, which basically meant I was trying to figure out my type, and during this time, I was throwing caution to the wind. I was letting go of the list of characteristics that I was looking for because I felt like I was just being too picky and not giving anyone a chance. So, like every other tating story these days, it starts with I met a guy online. Now, looking back, he was a walking red flag, and when I say that it doesn't mean that he was a bad guy, I mean we all have our shit right. He just wasn't the right guy for me and I wasn't seeing the signs. Well, let me rephrase that I was totally seeing the signs but completely ignoring them. I also didn't have any boundaries at all. So what did I do? I went along with everything he said. Now, part of me Yuli didn't know what I wanted. So trying something somebody else's way really didn't seem like a bad idea at the time, but it was like I was a glutton for punishment. I totally turned into that girl that thought that that guy would eventually want her, and I bet you didn't think that this is where this story was going and I bet you didn't think that I was going to admit to any of this. But it gets better or worse depending on how you see it. This relationship went off and on for about a year and a half and nowadays what happened is referred to as a situation ship or friends with benefits. In my mind it was a relationship because when we were together on a consistent basis I wasn't with anyone else and he would say that he wasn't seeing anyone else either, which I'm sure was a lie. But in my mind I also refused to believe that he didn't have any feelings for me at all. But in reality I was a placeholder. I don't think he wanted to end things because he was getting exactly what he wanted when he wanted it. I also didn't want to end things because, honestly, I completely lacked self respect to walk away. Also, it would hurt more if it was over. So I kept going back. I went back. Every single time he told me he didn't want a relationship. Even when he told me he met someone else and then called me a week later because it didn't work out. Even when he said he wanted to see me after he moved. And didn't Even when he invited me on a trip. And even most recently, just a few weeks ago, I even thought somewhere in my delusional mind that my cancer diagnosis would make him change his mind about me, like somehow knowing that, my lifetime being limited, in some way he would want to spend the remaining of it with me. He would realize how wonderful I am and know that this is his last chance. It would be a magical fairytale come true and I would get my happily. Even after he even made my top priority list of people to tell about my cancer diagnosis, I didn't want him to see it on social media and be upset by the news and me not tell him first. Here I am with a terminal cancer diagnosis and I'm thinking about his feelings. And when I talked to him he did seem appreciative of the call and sincerely sorry for what was happening to me. But in the end, not once did he say is there anything I can do for you. I hung up the call in tears because I felt like he just didn't care, like I absolutely meant nothing to him after all this time. And I didn't hear from him since, which was quite the disappointment, until I got that Merry Christmas text message and we had a short phone call. Then again, after that, there was another text on New Year's Day, 30 minutes after the New Year. He must still be thinking about me, right? There may be a chance, right? So what do I do? I call him, of course, and it was a great conversation, and in the end we made plans for him to come visit. And just a few days before the visit there was the text message that I was dreading he's not coming. But only is he not coming, he's met someone. So what do I do? I call him, of course. Like, seeing the text message that he met someone wasn't awful enough. I needed to hear it too. I needed to hear that he just met someone and that he doesn't even know if he really likes her yet, but he thinks he should give it a chance and he wants to stop doing friends with benefits. But what about me? I can't be more than friends with benefits. I don't even get a fucking chance now that he's ready to have something more serious. So what do I do? Like a desperate person wanting to be loved, I am pleading my case like he is the last man on earth. How pathetic is that. How did I become that person? Why did I ever think that I loved this man? How did I not see it? How did I become so desperate for love? So the question is what's love got to do with it? What's love but a second hand emotion? What I've experienced for the past two years was not love, but most of all, it wasn't love for myself. But as much as I've worked through my grief and facing things from my past, dating is just not an aspect of my life that I really focused on or gave enough effort. And now, with this stupid cancer diagnosis, I feel like I've been wasting the past couple years of my life not taking dating seriously, and I probably shouldn't say wasted, because I mean there was definitely a lesson learned from it. I wasn't loving myself enough for anyone else to love me, I wasn't treating myself the way that I wanted to be treated and I absolutely didn't set any boundaries for me to be treated with respect. And I'm also not going to blame all the fall on this person. I take full responsibility in my decisions to keep going back. I think about dating now. But how fair is it for me to be on a dating app in my condition who wants to date someone with stage four cancer and not knowing how many years I may have left? Not to mention weekly treatments that make me tired and I don't want to do anything half the time I'm going to say and go for it, and I really do want companionship. I do want to be comforted in the ways that you can only find with a partner and, ultimately, I don't want to die alone. So good thing I still believe in fairytales and I do love a good happy ending or a good comeback story. And what's that quote? You haven't even met all the people yet who are going to love you. That sure would be nice, because I truly want to believe with all my heart that love is not dead. It's my husband.