Transcript
WEBVTT
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Let's talk about one of my favorite hashtags Widow Strong and how we feel about being told how strong we are as widows.
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Now, I have seen this go two different ways and I can honestly say that I feel differently now about this than I did when my husband had died back in 2018.
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This than I did when my husband had died back in 2018.
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How can being told you are so strong be taken as offensive but also be considered as an accomplishment?
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The difference is the mindset of the person at the time of hearing it, of the person at the time of hearing it and, as a widow.
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In the acute stages of grief, we are mostly angry and feeling hopeless.
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So when someone says you are so strong, we tend to get offended by these words and twist them into something negative and shameful.
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I know because that was also me when my husband, tom, first died.
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I certainly did not feel strong.
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As a matter of fact, I felt weak and very embarrassed by that.
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By that, these words you are so strong also make us feel pressured to be strong, which actually stops us from being vulnerable and it stops us from sharing our true feelings.
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Why do we let these words you are so strong hold us back?
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Why do we let these words make us feel ashamed Ashamed to grieve publicly and share our true feelings?
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We could simply reply thank you, but I really don't feel strong right now.
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I feel lost and I'm struggling to keep it together.
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Thank you, but I really don't feel strong right now.
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I feel lost and I'm struggling to keep it together.
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But no, we stay quiet and we continue to minimize our pain for the sake of disappointing others.
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Now there is a more positive way to look at the phrase.
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You are so strong.
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But it doesn't always happen right away.
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For me, it took years to accept this as positive, and we all know that it's hard for us, as widows, to express how we feel and what we need.
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So let's just take a moment to understand the perspective of someone else when they say you are so strong.
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There was a time that you never experienced a loss tragic enough to empathize with someone else.
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You may have also struggled with the words to pay your respects or condolences.
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You also know what it's like to worry if you're saying the right thing to someone, even if it's not pertaining to grief pertaining to grief.
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Even now.
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I struggle with talking about grief and death with some people.
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Even I, freeze and have no words.
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But ultimately I feel that others are trying their best to convey their condolences.
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Now we can choose to believe their words are coming from a place of sympathy and compassion, but even more, I think what they're telling us is what they see.
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They are telling us what it looks like from their perspective.
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They see us as widows pretending to be strong, but what they don't know is it's all a facade.
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The words you are so strong can also just be coming from a place of admiration.
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It can be seen simply as an encouraging statement to keep us going and nothing more.
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But here's the thing Grief has a way of transforming us.
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It's not about becoming stronger, but rather braver.
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When we navigate loss, we're faced with a journey of courage.
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We are stepping into the unknown with each passing day.
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Bravery isn't about being fearless.
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It's about acknowledging our pain and choosing to move forward despite it.
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You may not feel it and you may not see it, but you are getting stronger each day.
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Every day you wake up after losing the love of your life, you are stronger Every time you make it through another day.
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You are stronger Every time you smile from a memory of your person.
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You are stronger.
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Every time you find a moment of joy.
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You are stronger.
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Every time you shed a tear for your loss.
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You are stronger.
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Every time you share your story, you are stronger.
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And every day you choose to move forward, you are stronger.
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And one day, my friend, you will see yourself as strong as I do, because, after all, love is not dead, just my husband.
