Breaking Silence: The Unfiltered Thoughts of Widows

We've all heard of things not to say to a widow, but have you ever wondered what we're actually thinking in our heads while we're looking at you with a fake smile? Now, as a seasoned widow, I understand these questions and statements are made with good intentions, but when our grief is fresh, we are not using our best judgment and we are taking everything personally. So I'm going to share just a few things that people say to widows, and then I'm going to tell you responses that would have either ran through my mind when Tom died or some of the responses that have came from other widows. First up, how are you doing? We all know that this is a generic question and you say it without thinking, but we always say I'm fine. But what we may want to say is how in the hell do you think I'm doing? My husband is dead. I can't stop crying, and all I want is for people to stop asking me how I'm doing, because that just makes me cry more. They are in a better place, really, because which place is that? Because, depending on which God you believe in, he could either be in heaven or hell, and either place is not with me. So, um, yeah, I don't think so. You are so strong? No, I'm not. I am doing what I need to just barely survive. So now, if you see me falling apart, are you going to think that I'm weak? I don't know what I would do if this ever happened to me. Well, let's hope it doesn't, because it fucking sucks. But hey, let me know when your husband dies, maybe we can be widow besties. God never gives you more than you can handle, or it's just that you're not going to be able to do anything. It's all God's plan, or really any reference to God at all. Fuck God, period. I'll ask for forgiveness later. You're so young. You'll find someone else, seriously, who wants a widow. I'm a hot fucking mess. I bet you miss them. I bet you miss them. Oh, actually I don't. I'm so glad he died and left me here all alone and miserable. Everything happens for a reason. Now, this one is just a tad bit tricky for me, based on what I believe today, but I was told this a few times when Tom died and I had thought great, please tell me the reason why he died. I'm sure it will all make sense. Time heals everything Really. When, how soon? How long do I have to wait to heal. Oh, you don't really know then. Thanks for the advice, though Let me know if there's anything I can do Now. I have two responses for this one. The first one bring my dead husband back. Oh, you can't do that? Then there's absolutely nothing you can do for me, thank you. The second one if I even knew what I needed, trust me, I would let you know. And on another note, please stop asking what you can do and just do it. Trust me, a widow is not going to say no, and if she does, do it anyway. So I have saved the best for last. And here it goes. Shouldn't you be getting over it by now? I cannot tell you how many widows have told me that this has been said to them. I think that question is absolutely heartless, and it is very clear that the person saying it has absolutely no empathy whatsoever, and they more than likely have never experienced a significant loss in their lives. And, what's even worse, some widows say absolutely nothing in return. Now let me start by saying no one I repeat, no one has ever said that to me, and if they did trust and believe my response would not have been a thought in my mind and I would have said it out loud and it would have been a simple fuck you and that's all, and I would have walked away. Here's the thing Widows think they always have to be nice. Why do we always have to be the nice ones? Why do we always have to act like we have our shit together? Why can't we lose our shit, be angry, yell at people, say exactly what we feel and not be judged? There are people that do that for less reasons than losing someone, and sometimes it feels like we are spending more time consoling others who are grieving the loss of our person. How is that even fair? Now, I know figuring out what to say to someone grieving is difficult, but it's also difficult for the person who is grieving. We don't know what to say either. We don't even know how to articulate these new feelings. It's almost like we've forgotten to use our words, so we've just traded that with tears, and you will notice that most widows' responses to any of the well-intended questions is just going to be tears. Just give us space, give us time. Eventually, our words will return, we'll be able to think straight again and then we'll be able to have a real conversation with you about grief and how it's affected us. So if you can't think of anything to say, just admit that, say you don't have words but you want to be there, then do just that Be there, be silent, stay. It's going to make you uncomfortable. Just know that your actions will always speak louder than words because, after all, love is not dead. Just meet our husbands. Good, our husbands.