Embracing the Inevitable: Terminal Cancer

Sadly, season three ended so much sooner than I was expecting. There were a few more things that I really wanted to talk about, like the differences between widows and widowers, and I really wanted to talk about widow fire, but it doesn't mean that it won't still happen. It just means that it wasn't meant for. Right now, unfortunately, I'm moving into a new season of my life that I wasn't expecting so soon my final season, and not just for the podcast, but for me. I've been saying these words now for three weeks and I'd like to say that it gets easier, but it doesn't. My heart still races and pounds with each word, but my tears are slowly drying up. Telling you, my listeners, is the public announcement that I've been dreading my cancer has returned. I have stage four liver metastatic uveal melanoma. For those of you that have been listening from the very beginning, you know that I was diagnosed with this rare eye cancer just six weeks after my husband died. There's no cure for this cancer and I knew that I was at a high risk for it to metastasize in the first three years. Luckily, I made it to five, because there are many people that don't even make it this long. So I know you have a lot of questions and I will answer them all in time, but please know that I'm still processing this myself. I haven't really decided how much of this is going to play out on social media, but you'll definitely see the most updates there, so you can follow me on Instagram and Facebook At Love is Not Dead just my husband and the links are in the show notes. If you want to find out more information about this cancer, you can go online to oculermelanomafoundationorg, but in my opinion, the best resource is acuransightorg, which is a nonprofit organization for patients by patients. It has the most easily digestible information, so I will make sure that the links for both of those are in the show notes. I've been focusing so much on the logistics of cancer treatments and work that I haven't even started to focus on myself. The thought of living with a prayer incurable cancer has me really wanting to retreat into a little cave where I can just curl up and hide from the world. Since the news, I felt like I'm fighting to live for everyone else and I'm just waiting for a little spark to ignite inside of me that makes me want to live for myself. So a friend said to me forget cancer right now. Forget about work, think about you. Think about what's going to bring you joy and happiness. What do you want to do with the rest of your life? I want a podcast. This podcast has brought me so much joy and has been a major part of my grief and healing journey. I don't want to give up my listeners, my community or people that continue to inspire me. That's a part of what keeps me going every day and I'm going to need that now more than ever. So, with that being said, podcast will pivot a little. One I don't know how consistent I'll be with releasing episodes. And two what you hear may not always be specifically for widows, but ultimately I wanted to help anyone who was grieving. I just happened to be a widow doing it. I am now starting on a new grief journey. I am grieving the loss of my own life sooner than expected. I am grieving the loss of finding love again, grieving the loss of watching my parents grow old and die before me. Grieving the loss of watching my son get married and have children. Grieving the loss of best friends that anyone could ever ask for. And grieving the loss of watching my two favorite humans, the trindles, grow up. This podcast will be my legacy. I want it to be how people remember me. I want it to be a place where you can hear my voice. I want it to be a place where you can go when you're missing me. I want it to be a place you can heal while grieving me, and I want it to be a reminder for everyone that, no matter who you lost, that love is not dead.