Can you imagine the strength it takes to move forward after losing your spouse and battling cancer? That's exactly what I had to do over the last five years since my husband, Tom, passed away. Through the immense pain and struggle, I chose to live for our son, dedicating myself to helping him succeed and find happiness. In this raw and emotional episode as I share my journey of grief, growth, and rediscovering happiness.
As I navigated through my own grieving process, I realized that I may not have been present enough for my son during his own journey of loss. By focusing on something to live for, I found the courage to not only move forward but to also take the steps towards happiness for both of us. If you or someone you know is facing loss and grief, this conversation will inspire you to find the strength and determination to embrace life once again.
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So we're coming to the end of season two. I tell you I just can't believe that I have been podcasting for little over six months now. I will say that sometimes when I record these episodes I know what I'm gonna say in advance, and then sometimes I have absolutely no idea what I'm gonna say or even talk about. It just happens. So I want to share with you, on this last episode of season two, what happened with me this morning, not every single detail, but just so you guys can know that for me now, even five years later, i still have these moments of sadness. When it comes, man, it just it hits me and it's out of nowhere. But the point is I don't let those moments hold me back, i don't let that moment ruin the rest of my day and I don't let it put me in a place or a feeling that it's gonna last for an extended amount of time. That's mostly because I remember that chain. Sometimes it can feel like it just happened and I can let it consume me, i can let it get to me, but I can't. I have to keep moving forward. I know for a fact that Tom would not want to see me sad and depressed, not live in my life. I know that's not what he would want for me. Sometimes you just have to look at things from another perspective. If you were to die today, how would you want your loved ones to remember you? How would you want them to feel about you? Would you want them to stop living their lives? Would you want them to be sad all the time? Would you want them to not be able to function in their everyday life? No, you wouldn't want that. So what would make you think that your loved one who is not here anymore would want that for you? Now, i'm not saying that just thinking of that is going to make you feel better or get over your loved one. Losing your spouse or your partner or your husband or your wife. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying take in consideration where they are now and what you know that they would want. That's all I'm saying. Take comfort in that and knowing that it's okay to be happy and it's okay to move forward. So today, when I was journaling, i was just writing about Tom, because he just happened to be on my mind And I was thinking about how he always lived in the moment, always. He never thought about the future. He never liked planning anything for the future. He would always say stuff like don't worry about that, you don't know what's going to happen, it's going to be okay, i'm not worried, you shouldn't be worried. Stop planning everything. And that's what I did. I planned everything And that was mostly like our expenses or I don't even really know. I was just planning stuff and they were not goals. So let's just be clear I was not goal setting anything. I was just planning and mostly planning for things that I knew were consistent, that I could control, and things that I knew would happen, like I knew the outcome. So I was able to plan for those things. So after Tom died, i really didn't care about planning anymore. I didn't care about the future and I definitely didn't care about the present either. And when I did think about the future, just couldn't picture it without Tom. And then the cancer came. I cancer with no cure, and I was super hyper focused on that part. I was so focused on the no cure that I'm going to die that I wasn't thinking about the present. I wasn't thinking about the fact that I'm still alive now. So I lived like I didn't have a future. I was living like I was going to die. I didn't have a husband, i didn't have an eye. I was going to die. So who cared? Not me. I went from wanting to know everything that was going to happen and when it was going to happen, to not caring about anything, not caring about a single thing that was going to happen, and that wasn't a healthy way to live. I needed something to live for, and for me, the only thing that meant more to me than anything in this world is my son. So that is what I chose to live for. I poured everything that I had in me to living for my son, and not that I was taking care of him in any way or supporting him. It was me trying to figure out a way to portray my life so that he wouldn't see me sad. I knew he was only staying with me because he didn't want me to be alone, and at that age he needed to be out on his own and he needed room to grow and live his life. So I thought that I was doing what I needed to help him live, and eventually he did. He got his own place, moved away not too far And, oh my God, my son, marquis, is such an amazing man. He has my sense of humor, my great looks, my ambition, my attitude and most definitely his father's cockiness. He's dreaming big, he's successful and he's going after what he wants. I see myself in him in so many ways, and not just good ways, but had ways too. How he never asked for help, how he keeps things inside. He doesn't want to have deep conversations unless I force him to, and when it comes out it's short and to the point. There's no need to go any deeper or to continue. Everything was said and expressed in just those few sentences. Just like me, but Marquis has also had a lot of losses too. He lost his very first friend, who was like a brother to him his entire life, brennan, his stepdad, tom, his friend from high school that died in a car accident. His bio dad's father, his bio dad's mother, his bio dad's grandmother and last his uncle, my brother Donnie. That is seven deaths in four years, and my son is only 27. The thing that I was thinking about the most with this this morning is that I feel like I was so consumed in my own grief that I don't think that I was present enough for my son in his. I was thinking about how I am going to live for him, but I wasn't necessarily thinking about how he was living. But I know for me, finding someone to live for saved my life. I could very well be added to that list And through me trying to live a life for my son, it helped me want to live a life for myself. And somewhere in that transition it happened slowly I can't even really pinpoint when it was but I knew I wasn't living And I was just doing my best to portray a life that would make my son not worry about me. I was so worried about pushing him forward, moving him forward. I wasn't thinking about what I needed to do to actually move forward myself. I stayed stuck there And that's why I couldn't see his grief, because I really couldn't see past my own. I really just wanted my son to be happy And somewhere along the way I became happy. That now, i wonder, is Marquis happy? That's all I want is to make sure that he's happy and he knows that I love him And I want others to be happy too. I want everyone who's struggling with grief to know that you can move forward and you can be happy again, for maybe even the happiest you've ever been in your life. Don't wait any longer When you're feeling stuck. You need to find something to look forward to, you need to find something to live for, and if it's not, you find someone else to live for. Find something to live for, find the courage. Take the step, because if I can do it, i know you can too, because, after all, love is not dead. Star husbands.