Red Flags, Green Flags, and the Hope for True Connection

Ever since last week's episode could've, should've, would've, but what if? I just can't stop thinking about what if, what if this, what if that, like all of these what ifs have been coming to mind, and there's a lot of things that I feel like I could be doing differently, like I could be doing better if I was only asking the right question. Right after Tom died, i was really wishy-washy with my decisions, changing my mind all the time. For me, this was just as bad as not being able to actually make a decision. I was full of self-doubt and I felt insecure about almost every decision I made. I was always waiting for the shoe to drop. Now I've gotten much better over the past few years narrowing down what it is that I want, making a plan and actually going for it. I've already accomplished so much in the past two years and I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I'm feeling so much more confident. I finished school, started a podcast, i'm traveling more, i'm now coaching new podcasters and looking forward to expanding into other areas. But there's this one area of my life where I feel like I've been failing, because it seems like I can't decide on what I actually want, and that's dating and relationships. So I asked myself, what if I change my mind about what I want? What if I present my authentic self? What if I'm unwavering on my boundaries? What if I wait for what I actually deserve? And what if the best is really yet to come? Now I've dated on and off again for the past four years, honestly never really taken it serious enough, never truly opening up to someone, never having the real conversations that matter, always just one foot out the door and always thinking that I'm just too messed up. 

In the beginning I only wanted someone exactly like Tom, look like Tom, talk like Tom, cook like Tom, same size as Tom, everything. But then it got weird. When I actually met someone like that and his name was Tom, i thought to myself what would happen if he came to my house and saw a picture of Tom And he would be like it's a doppelganger. So I ended that quickly. Then I decided to go completely opposite. I didn't want to see or date anyone that looked like Tom at all, and I struggled with this because I didn't know what I found attractive. And it's not that I thought people were ugly, i just didn't know what I was physically attracted to. And finally I started to get an idea, even though I still don't think I have a type, not really even sure if that's a thing. But once I figured it out, then I had to ask what were my intentions At first? it was just because I was lonely and I wanted to be with someone. And, yeah, I'll admit it was sometimes just for sex, but who cares, we've all done it. Just only half of us admitted it. 

I didn't want a relationship in the beginning And I'll be damned If every guy I met wanted a freaking relationship. It felt like I was turning down men left and right. Well, not like it was, because I was some kind of hot commodity, but it was just so overwhelming So I just stopped dating altogether. Then I met someone And I fell hard and fast. It was a fleeting romance. It was a fleeting romance and ended just as quickly as it began, but it was filled with love and passion. He is the only person that I've even let see a glimpse of the real me, and I think it was easier for me to open up with him Because I didn't think that I would actually ever see him again, and afterwards I was chasing that same feeling. I wanted it again, that nothing has really been the same. I've been on almost all the dating apps, lots of dates and met a few really good men, but nothing's clicked. There's been plenty of chemistry, but that doesn't sustain a relationship. 

What's that saying? I'm a magnet for available men, but in reality I don't think I'm really wanting a relationship. Maybe I should be focusing more on just me. I mean, do I want to be alone forever? Absolutely not. Do I want a friend? Do I want a companion? Yes, but I also want that friend and that companion to be my person, to be my best friend, to share life with me, to be my cheerleader, to make me feel safe, to choose me above all others. But until then, I'm definitely not giving up And it's okay if I keep changing my mind about what I want. Each date and each relationship just helps me to find what I want more and more. It helps me learn the difference between the red flags and the green flags. So you know what I do want. I want it all. I want the fairy tale, I want the happily ever after Because, after all, love is not dead just my husband.