Taking Off the Mask: From Widowhood to Self-Love

You know that depression commercial where the woman is walking around holding up the paper smiley face to hide her depression from the world. I'm not depressed, but I can relate because I feel like I'm constantly hiding from people. For example, i'm not a morning person. I don't wake up, springing out of bed, dancing home, away to the kitchen for my morning coffee, slinging open the curtains to admire the sun and thinking God, for another beautiful day. It's more like my alarm goes off at six. I wake up and I put my snooze button. A couple of times I lay there trying to think of a happy thought because apparently that will set the tone for my entire day. And sometimes I get up and sometimes I just say fuck it and roll back over. And then 30 minutes or so later I am hearing male Robbins in my head Five, four, three, two, one get up. Then I'll look at the clock and be so pissed off at myself because I've wasted almost an hour of my morning sleeping in and hitting the snooze button. Hopefully I haven't grabbed my phone yet, because that's another hour wasted scrolling through social media, going down a rabbit hole of reels. If I'm lucky, i have brushed my teeth, washed my face and have a cup of coffee in hand sitting at my desk by 8 am, and this is not the version of me that most people get to see. And recently my mom's been staying with me, so I try to put on my rainbows and sunshine masks to hide how grumpy I really am in the morning, so that way she doesn't think it's about her, because me being grumpy in the morning has everything to do with me not getting up at a decent hour or not getting enough sleep the night before and not sticking to my morning routine that I love of meditation, yoga and journaling. I also wear another mask around my parent. It's the one of a perfect order, the daughter that doesn't need anything and can do it all by herself. I don't want them to worry about me, because there always seem to be another sibling that requires way more attention and energy, but because of this sometimes I feel a little resentment and then I end up just avoiding them all together. Doing this only makes it harder for me to ask for help when I need it. When I clock in to work, i take a deep breath, let out a sigh and put on my superwoman mask. I activate my fake smile and my happy voice. I like my job most days, but like anyone else, i have a job to do. The pressure to be polite while providing excellent customer service is hard, trying to maintain a positive attitude amidst the constant stream of complaints, and most of the time I'm physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day, and it's my fault. I juggle too many tasks and take on way more than I can do. Then, every time I'm with my son, i put on my perfectionist mask, acting like I have it all together, so there's absolutely nothing for him to ever worry about. I avoid almost every topic that's about me. When I try to make everything about him, i always do. And how's his job? Are you happy? Do you need anything? I only want to hear about him. Then, when I'm with my friends, i have my best mask. I want to make every friend feel like they are important. I want them to know how special they are and I go to everything that I'm invited to, even if it's last minute. I will drop everything to do what they want. And the sad thing is I do this because I want them to love me. And when I'm on a date, i also wear a mask. I'm not really sure what to call this mask maybe the fun girl mask. But this also gets me in trouble. Problem is, i can get along with anyone. It's a blessing and a curse. I just let the good times roll and I don't even act like I'm not interested, and that's because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I will suffer through an entire date. But then there's that follow-up call. You know the call where they say I had an amazing time and I'd really like to see you again. And then I'm like oh, i think you're great, but I don't think that we should go out again. And then they're completely blindsided, like do you not have a good time? Yeah, but then I give some random excuse why I don't think it would be a good idea to see each other again. The longest mask that I've ever wore was that of a good wife, always doing what I'm told serving my husband, cooking, cleaning, taking care of my son, managing the household and working a full-time job. There were times that I even had two jobs, but this mask wasn't just for Tom, it was also for the outside world. You can't let everyone know what's going on in your marriage, which ended up being a little weird because when we divorced back in 2009. Everyone seemed so surprised. It was very difficult trying to explain why we separated without telling people what really happened, and everyone got the lie, which left most people baffled and me looking like I was being selfish. But I didn't care. Some things are just no one's business. I've worn so many masks that sometimes I don't even know who I am. I finally started to feel like my true self when I started this podcast. I don't even know where the words come from. Sometimes it's like I start to speak the words out loud and it becomes real, but then I get scared. I used to be scared to tell my story not anymore. That's the easy part. Now You know that saying one day you'll tell your story and it'll be a survival guide for someone else. That's the part I'm afraid of. How do I explain to someone else how to survive when I feel like I barely survived myself? How do I explain to someone how to thrive when I'm literally living life by the seat of my pants? What if I have nothing to offer but my story? I know one thing for sure I don't like this widow mask because I don't like the stereotypes that come with being a widow. This mask makes me feel like I am encompassing every mask that I've ever wore into one, and it is a painful way to live, so I'm gonna take off all the masks. Yes, i am a widow, a mother, a daughter, a friend, a sister, an employee, but I am also so much more. I am a survivor, i am resilient, i am capable, i am worthy, I am valuable, i am strong, i am confident, i am unique, i am complete, i am beautiful, i am compassionate, i am grateful, i am brave, i am creative, i am important, i am loved And I deserve everything good that comes to me, because, after all, love is not dead, just my husband.