The Balancing Act of Grief and Gratitude

During a recent podcast interview with Hillary Russo from the Hellistically Speaking podcast, we talked about grief and gratitude, and I really wanted to expand on this. I had listened to the Purpose Filter podcast with Kathy Zhang a few months ago. There was an episode on the sneaky way you are doing gratitude wrong, and it was eye-opening. I first learned about gratitude a few years ago and I know that may sound a little strange to some people, but I didn't understand what everyone was talking about and the purpose behind it. See, I grew up with you get what you get and you don't throw a fit, meaning just be grateful for what you got and don't expect anything more. So it was very difficult for me to think of things to be grateful for. But for me to break it down and understand it better, gratitude is just the fancy word for being thankful. So as a widow, especially in the beginning, I think it is very hard to find anything to be thankful for, let alone to be able to show gratitude. But here are some comments that unintentionally make widows feel pressure to be grateful. You are so strong. Everything happens for a reason. You have to stay strong for your children. Time heals all wounds. At least they're not suffering anymore. You'll find someone else. It's all part of God's plan. Comments like these make widows feel like we're not allowed to fully express our grief or that we just need to move on quickly. And as we hide our true feelings of grief, we put on a facade of strength just to make other people feel better. All this does is delay our grieving process Because we're too scared to express our emotions. I know this because that's what I did when Tom died. Most of my life I've been told I don't have to worry about you because you're doing so great. I held myself to this standard that I didn't need anyone's help because that meant I was weak or I didn't know what I was doing. I thought I was tough and I would never give anyone the satisfaction of being grateful. I would never give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that I was failing. And I had this same attitude when I was grieving my husband. I would downplay Tom's death like it wasn't significant Because he died in his sleep. I would say things like at least he wasn't in a tragic accident. I didn't want people to think I was struggling financially, so I would say things like thank goodness I have the life insurance. I think there is a fine line between genuine gratitude and using it to avoid grief. I was absolutely using gratitude to avoid grief. It took me years to come to the realization that loss is loss, no matter the circumstances. Tom's death mattered. It mattered to me and it mattered to so many other people. Sometimes I look back and I feel ashamed about how I acted after Tom died. Like it appeared that I didn't really love him because I wasn't sharing with people how I really felt. If only they knew I was dying inside, would my grieving experience been any different? I think it's important for supporters to offer empathy, a listening ear and understanding, rather than always trying to find the right words to say. As widows, we need to navigate this grieving experience at our own pace. This is why we need to widow our own way. It's important that we feel all the feelings and mostly it's okay not to always be grateful, especially in the midst of loss. Embracing gratitude doesn't mean we ignore our grief. We're simply finding little moments of light in the darkness, because, after all, love is not dead, just our husbands.