The Unseen Battle: Surviving Widows of Domestic Violence

Today I'm going to talk about domestic violence in honor of domestic violence awareness month. This episode may be a trigger, so if you've been a victim of domestic violence, you may not want to listen. I have experience with domestic violence not by my husband, tom so this is a sensitive topic for me, but also something I've been passionate about for years. I used to volunteer at a women's shelter when I was younger and I took calls for the domestic violence hotline. I would hear stories of women being abused and too scared to leave. I would watch women check into the shelter with nothing but their kids, more afraid of what would happen next than getting a beating. They knew how to prepare for a punch, how to bruise and stop bleeding. What they didn't know how to do was live a life without fear. So if you are experiencing domestic violence, please call the hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or you can text START to 88788. I'll leave these numbers in the show notes. Statistically, nearly 20% of marriages and intimate partnerships will experience physical violence. According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, this number only comes from people who report it. There are many victims that will stay silent and you will never know they are being abused. Marriage is a funny thing. Most of us like to keep things private. Everything looking perfect from the outside looking in. This can be due to a little bit of perfectionism. But what about the ones who have a secret life of domestic violence? There may be a few close family members or friends that know what's happening, but not usually the magnitude of it. And, just like grief, not everyone knows how to support someone who's been suffering from abuse. Telling us to leave sounds so easy, but the amount of fear that isn't sealed in you will freeze you in your tracks. Some people will just wait for their abuser to get tired of them, leave on their own and look for their next victim. You may even just wish your abuser would die, and that's what I want to talk about the widow whose abuser has died. This is an extremely complicated grief. Just because someone is abused doesn't mean they didn't love their abuser. It doesn't mean that they will not grieve their loss. A widow of a domestic violence will experience the same losses as any other widow. They lose a spouse, supporter, a home, a life and even their identity. Just because the marriage wasn't perfect or tainted with abuse doesn't mean that they have lost anything less. You all know that I feel like loss is loss, and I'm not going to compare those losses. What I really want to talk about is the moving forward part, and this is ultimately what my podcast is about moving forward after loss. So how does a widow of domestic violence move forward? In a lot of ways, it'll be the same as anyone leaving an abusive relationship, but one of the differences here would be that this widow doesn't have to worry about their abuser coming after them. There is, however, the risk of them entering into a new relationship that will also be abusive. A widow of domestic violence will go through the same stages of grief, but they may also feel relief and there may also be happiness. Again, this is why you shouldn't judge a widow for how they grieve. You may not know their circumstances. It's already hard for a widow to express happiness in fear of being judged by others for possibly moving on too soon. So how do we support a widow of domestic violence? Do we encourage them to move forward like we would someone who's been divorced? We all know we're treated differently after divorce versus the death of a spouse. The way they grieve is not going to be the same. The way they move forward is not going to be the same. What if we didn't know there was ever abuse? And you're telling that widow that you are so sorry for their loss when secretly they aren't. They are glad their abuser is dead and can no longer hurt them. If someone was keeping their abuse a secret before the death, it's going to be even harder for them to share it afterwards. They may feel like no one is going to believe them, which is usually the reason why someone who is abused doesn't tell. A widow of domestic violence needs to be able to widow her way. She is not going to grieve the same. She may need a little more compassion and understanding. She needs to be able to feel free to express herself without ridicule, opinions and judgment of other people. A widow of domestic violence is not only going to be on a widowhood journey, but also a journey of freedom, a journey to self-love, a journey to happiness, a journey of a life without fear, because, after all, love is not dead, just her husband. Thanks so much for listening to this episode. I know it was probably difficult to hear. I know it was definitely difficult for me to record. I tried to do some research about widows of domestic violence and honestly, I was very disappointed that there wasn't a lot out there. The only thing I could really find is about widows who have suffered domestic violence after their loss, maybe from in-laws or new relationships. I did find a book online and I ordered it immediately and cannot wait to read it. It's called Not a Widow's Handbook by Lou Johnson, a 24-year-old domestic violence surviving widow. After I read it, I will be sure to come back and give you guys an update. I can only give you my perspective of abuse and I can't imagine everything that a widow of domestic violence will go through after their loss. I've never heard anyone discuss the subject and now I just want to know more. If you are a surviving widow of domestic violence and you would like to share your story, please let me know. You can message me on Facebook or Instagram at LoveIsNotDead just my husband and again, if you are experiencing domestic violence, you can call 1-800-799-SAFE or text the word START to 887-88. These numbers will be in the show notes. Thank you for listening.