Widow Brain and The Widow Bod: Embracing Self-Care During Grief

Widow brain is a term used to describe the fogginess and disconnection you feel after a loss. This shields us from our pain and suffering. Widow brain can make remembering things and making everyday decisions overwhelming and frustrating. The forgetfulness was the worst part of widow brain for me. I was always so organized and could remember anything. Even now, five years later, I still feel like I have a hard time remembering Not just things from around Tom's death, but in general. My memory has gotten worse, like maybe there was some kind of long-term effect. I refuse to believe it's because I'm getting older. Everyone talks about the emotional toll you deal with in losing your person, but today I want to talk about the physical changes our bodies go through in grief. Your entire lifestyle can change after loss and sometimes you just lose interest in basic self-care altogether. Our ability to care for ourselves physically is directly connected to our mental health. So with widow brain there usually comes a widow body. Visually and physically. We slowly start to change and in some cases we can become unrecognizable. This in turn affects our mental health and can extend widow brain and in some cases lead to depression. There are so many things that contribute to this Not sleeping well, not eating, overeating, alcohol, lack of energy and no social interaction. Most widows tend to lose a lot of weight because in the beginning we're not sleeping or eating, and for some of us it can go in the other direction. We may use alcohol to numb the pain. I know from experience that alcohol leads to inconsistent sleep, overeating, lack of energy and bad skin. And besides alcohol, I think food was the biggest issue for me and most widows. First of all, you don't want to do anything, let alone cook. So for all of my listeners that are not widows, the one thing you can do for a widow is feed them, buy some food, buy some groceries, preferably something healthy, because, let's face it, we need the nutrition and, trust me, we will eat it because we don't want to go anywhere to get anything and since we're not taking good care of ourselves, it would be really nice if someone else did. It's taking everything. We have to do the bare minimum to survive. For me, I slept a lot Every chance I could get. If I wasn't working or having to do something, I was sleeping or really just laying there torturing myself. I didn't feel like doing anything. I also lived next door to my best friend, angie, so she fed me and five years later I still rely on her for dinners, or at least a reminder to eat. I will literally go without eating some nights if she didn't call me and ask me if I've ate. Tom did most of the cooking for us, so even after he died I didn't have a desire to start. I ate out a lot, mostly fast foods and snacks that were just easy to grab. My only real meals were from Angie, and the only reason I started to cook was because my son asked me if I was going to. Even then, I didn't know how to cook for one or two people. Tom ate enough for two people himself and plus he always needed leftovers. I only knew how to cook a big meal and when I did cook, it was again only what I knew Delicious southern food. You cook with bacon fat, you fry everything and you smother it with gravy this unhealthy way of eating combined with alcohol. I gained about 25 pounds after Tom died. I was up to about 175. Honestly, maybe it was more, but I stopped weighing myself after that. I was hating my body and hating myself. None of my clothes fit and I felt as disgusting as I looked, at least to me. I felt miserable. I was so out of shape and my skin looked horrible. I was getting these breakouts all the time, those big acne bumps that stay underneath the skin and seem to never go away, and then they would leave scars on my face. Honestly, I don't know if I would have ever done anything about my weight or how I looked, if it wasn't for meeting someone about a year after Tom died. I was just feeling so self-conscious about my body. But even then I only had the mental capacity to do the bare minimum, which was cutting out soda and tea, drinking more water, investing in some skincare and new clothes just to make me feel better about my weight, and just so no one thinks I became some kind of health or fitness nut. The majority of my weight came off when I got braces. I couldn't eat anything for a while, let alone anything that I wanted. I didn't even start watching what I ate until after I lost about 10 pounds from the braces. I was actually starting to physically feel better and that's when I decided I wanted to keep the weight off. Then I had a very embarrassing moment of doing yoga with my friend Nicole. After a little cat-cow stretching, she had us bend over to just dangle. Nothing crazy, just folding my arms bent over, moving a little from side to side. Well, her husband West comes in and starts laughing. He said what are you doing? I said I'm dangling. He said no, you're not. You're not even at a 90 degree angle. He said Look at Nicole and then look at yourself in the mirror. I was mortified. Even with losing so much weight, I couldn't even bend over to touch my toes without bending my knees, and not to mention I was nowhere near a 90 degree angle. So every day for a few months I would do some yoga stretches and end with a dangle until eventually I could bend over and touch my toes without bending my knees. Fast forward to today. I think I'm about 80% healthy. I do watch what I eat at home, mostly eating vegetarian. This is not a lifestyle, it's just that I have a fear of cooking meat like it's going to be overcooked or undercooked. So I generally eat meat, mostly when I go out. I don't buy sweets for the house, it's only a treat when I go out. I also don't deprive myself of alcohol, but I have learned my limits, excluding this past week because I was celebrating Tom's birthday and, no, I didn't have to have five shots, but I did and, trust me, I paid for it the next morning. I exercise, but not as consistently as I should, but I'm happy to say that I can still bend over and touch my toes without bending my knees, and it's really just the small wins for me. Everyone's experience with widow brain and widow body is going to be different. Just remember that our mental health plays a big part in our physical health, and when we're not happy with how we look and feel physically, that plays a big role in our mental health. It's like a vicious cycle. So it's important to make sure your body is getting the support it needs. When you're grieving, try your best to take care of yourself. Think of it as honoring your body. Sleep when you need it, eat when you need it, even get up to pee when you need to Go outside at least once a day, even if it's just to check the mail. Who knows, maybe one day you'll want to take a walk around the block, and just so you know. None of these things are going to be easy. You will have to make yourself do it and don't rely on someone coming to your house and making you do something. Even if they did, you'd probably be pissed off that they're telling you what to do, and you know I'm right. So just listen to your body and know your limits. Better yet, test your limits. Prove to yourself that you love your body enough to at least care for it while you grieve. The feeling of loving yourself will soon come after, because, after all, love is not dead, just your husband.